Well I havent written for sometime, its hard trying to get your head around the days when they drag and you cant and dont want to get out of bed.
We had the Medical director of QAS come out to see us bout what happened that day. We now know that Hannah was gone when the Ambos got here to the house. She was in asystole or flatline. That was so hard to hear, all I remember doing was yelling at her to breathe, doing her breaths for her, the water and vomit coming up and spraying my face and seeing her eyes rolling backwards all the time. The MO said that after 11 mins and what I had done, the ambos tried too and a doctor at the hospital all did manual CPR and they got nothing. Hannah wasnt given any meds either and its because she was too gone for that to happen. My baby died in my arms whilst I was desperately trying to save her. This is just not meant to happen, our babies are not meant to die before us.
As for the ambos leaving Harry and I at home that day without knowing whether was dead or not leaves a great pain in my heart and my mind. I worry that what Harry saw that day tortures him and our dreams at night. he no longer communicates and no longer speaks, paediatric trauma is devasting, so we have two tragedies and well a third one if you count my suicide attempt. Being left behind was horrible and apparently in my shock i told the ambos to go. I had not even thought how i would get there. The neighbour up the back found me in the lounge room banging my head on the floor, Harry was in his highchair, all sweaty and crying in distress, not good for a child who had 38 degree temps that day. I worry and ache that he too could have had more seizures that day thank goodness he didnt.
There are so many protocols that were not met by people, I cant say what htey are the coroner can decide on that and what we need to do about it.
Whilst I find a comfort in that Hannah died here at home and we hear her and of course Harry sees her I find very little comfort in my training for CPR and the experience of this horrible event in my life. CPR courses do not prepare you for a drowning it is so vastly different, all that water, I tried and tried to get her back, yet as Hannahs mum I failed her poorly. I want her back for my own selfish reasons right now, I want her back so that Harry will speak and not head bang and be so aggressive, I want her back so I dont miss her and that my mind doesnt think of those horrible thoughts of joining her quickly. I do think of suicide often but its Harry that is keeping me here on this earth, his pain is my fault and I cant fix it and its my motherly role to watch him through this and probably torment myself with the guilt of it all.
TUesday Andrew and I designed Hannahs Headstone, how hard is this particular task? BLOODY HARD. took us 43 weeks to decide and even think about doing it? does completing this task now make life easier NO ! does it make us realise that Hannah is truly gone? YES in so many ways, putting that death date on it was just so confronting, my heart was racing, my hands get sweaty and sometimes I just cant breathe when having those flashbacks. did we make her something pretty? YEp but it feels like not enough. Its huge on black granite 60cm square and its appropriately titled "our purple princess" Hannah... i put two photos two etched on it so i hope they look okay and give her a final resting identity under that beautfilly tall tree.
My heart aches, I still dont have other answers, life is just so hard and I wonder ever will our lives be happy even for a just amoment?? I dont think anything can make us even remotely happy right now today is just a bad day.
I miss you so much baby girl, Mummy tried so hard and my trying just wasnt quick enough.. Im so so so very sorry.......
Mummy
xxxxxxx
5 comments:
I have read this with tears in my eyes and I really really just do not have the words.....so I am sending much love and hugs instead ~ thinking of you XX
Oh Kat,
where to begin...
Of course you want Hannah back and it's not selfish to want and crave her back with you.
As for designing a headstone for your baby,no matter what you did, nothing would ever feel enough. I'm sure what you've designed for your purple princess is lovely but you could build her a whole building and it wouldn't feel enough.
No matter how much CPR you had learnt I don't think it could ever prepare you for the horror you went through. I'm glad your still hearing Hannah, I hope that in some way helps. I know your feeling so low you think you'll never dig your way out, but just remember there are people out there who are thinking of you and who truly care.
Love em
Thank you Tabitha and Em for posting. Its so hard some days just to even post what life is kind of like. some days I write posts and just hit delete its just so difficult and the words dont come like I used to be able to write.
Just thank you both so much it truly means alot. Its so cold here and I do need an early night tonight.
Love
Kat
xxxxx
Oh Kat,
I am heartbroken for you. I sobbed and sobbed reading your post.
It's just not fair and to know you were trying so hard and she was gone already is heartbreaking, so so so heartbreaking.
I cannot imagine designing Hannah's headstone. The pain in doing that must have been horrendous. We didnt have a headstone for my son Rowan. He was s/b at 28wks and we scattered his ashes.
Although I wish, for my other childrens sake (who ask me now about visiting Rowan) I am glad that I did this as it was easier for us to deal with at the time.
However, it is a totally different loss to lose one of you children later in life. You're right. They should NEVER leave before you.
Keep taking small breaths Kat.
Justine
xo
My heart goes out to you...to lose a precious child is the hardest thing ever and how our hearts just keep on breaking...over and over again
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