Started a blog

I will get to this soon enough, its painful to write, think and read at the moment. The most simplest of tasks daily send us spirally out of control on waves of emotions that we all struggle to deal with. It is with the heaviest of aching broken heart that I miss my fourth child Hannah, who was taken from us on the 4th October 2007. Hannah was only out of my sight for a few minutes whilst I attended to a phone call in which she spoke to her dad via yelling " see ya soon Daddy Love you" and changing our sons nappy. When I put our son in his highchair so Hannah and I could go for a swim it was then that vision of seeing a white plastic chair lodged between the gate and the side of the fence with swimming pool gate wide open that turns our worlds upside down and left me, her mum with the devastation and trauma of finding her in our Pool. Hannah was floating face down about a metre or so from the steps and she was not breathing. Hannah died that day during my attempts at trying to save her life. The Ambulance and Doctors/Hospital couldnt get an airway either. There are so many questions, so many what ifs, so many what could I have done different that way.

My universe is a world I am new too. It is a world with pain, flashbacks, tears, heartache and the now longing for my little girl.

My friends and those too who have lost their children say " Kat you have to blog it down". I shake my hands when I write it on paper and I only attempted that once in November when I wrote my suicide note and tried to take my life, I ended up typing it in the end. My pain is real and Hannah is gone.

I want to blog so I can tell the world about my little girl, Hannah, the love she gave us, the world that she knew, her intelligence, her smiles and her laughter and most of all the Little girl we, as a family now mourn.

Life has dealt us some pretty cruel blows but this one takes top prize. I dont understand why Hannah was taken from us, we loved her, gave her everything and she was and is my best little mate. We have four other children aged 18, 16, 14 and nearly 2. Their lives are in turmoil also and so is my husbands. I will not share their world with you, they will when their own time is ready.

My thoughts of Hannah are running a thousand miles an hour in my head. I still cant get that vision of the blue water, the smell of chlorine or seeing her long blonde hair floating beside her head or the vomit in the water. Its gutting, it still makes my heart race as I type this and I am breathing faster. This is a daily recurrence and my nightmare.

I have to go I am struggling with the words but most of all I love my daughter dearly, I miss her truly and if I could change the world back to what we all had I could. I am mum, I am supposed to fix things. I can't fix this at all and the feelings of overempowerment by my weaknesses and grief just consumes me.

This is my life now but I will not accept it.

Mummy loves you Hannah, more than words can say or the tears I cry. I ache for you everyday and the house is just not the same without you here.