First Day Home Alone

Today is Thursday, Hannah died on a Thursday. Its been 17 weeks today. I am home alone with our son aged nearly two. Today we were up at 630am, had breakdfast, watched the movie Cars and Top Gun ( we watch this movie the morning of the day Hannah died, it was her favourite movie too) and had morning tea, set up the Thomas the Tank Engine Railroad ( we did this with Hannah that day too) and played Trains until 11am. He is now in bed.

I am home alone. I am anxious, every move I make is "I did this that day" and then the flash back of seeing that gate open just makes my heart race. I can be washing up and see that flashback, on the toilet, reading a book, sewing, it doesnt matter what task I am doing it just flashes before my eyes and bowls me over without warning. I can be talking to someone on the phone and it will happen, its freaky and I just wish that vision would go away.

I want to remember her smiles, the loving blue eyes and cheeky grin, her tall posture and big feet and her smell. Hannah loved people, she never new hate and now that is all I know. I hate myself for not being more careful, I know its not my fault but I am her mum and she was here with me. Some days I just wish it was someone else in my shoes that day. I am thankful that the older kids were not home. I dont think they could cope being me. I hate being me though. Changes are happening to me and they are not positive. I dont tolerate stupidity anymore, rotten attitudes even though I am negative myself, the slightest little things now upset me where before they didnt. I have cut off people from my life, I want my own little bubble back but I cant have it.

Today, I am down, I am alone right now and its so quiet the silence is deafening. My heart is heavy, my eyes are crying and the level of anxiousness is very high. I truly dislike this new universe we live in but now its the only one we know.