The lucky Win or so we thought

Two days before Melbourne Cup i had a visit from my Pop who passed away before Hannah was born. He told me to back Hannah's horses. I racked my brain and the Melbourne Cup Form guide for the next doors to agonise over what numbers to choose, - horses or barriers. I ended up with Horses and I boxed it just in case.

We had had some shit fly to us in the weeks leading up to Melbourne Cup including a bill from laywers for $7k and we are in the threats of being sued ourselves but we had no client agreement and we had to then prepare with four weeks to go to represent Hannah ourselves at Coroners Court to get the answer we so desperately needed.

All I wanted to do was win enough for IVF. Our hearts ached that we had failed after we expended our finances in October thinking that was the right time. There is no right time and Ivf certainly has no guarantees in life.
So Melbourne cup day we were racing to beat the bank in Brisbane so we raced into town and Andrew stopped the car and said wheres the money for the trifecta. So i gave him the money and ticked the boxes 10 12 and 04. I was a little muffed by it all thinking it wont happen. Little did i know in bout two hours time we would be rich with a cheque for over $16K. I only put $5 on it so i only received 83% of the trifecta winnings that day. I put two trifectas on that day and ironically Id picked the first SIX horses.

The events of that day gave us IVF yet again and as I write this in March 09 we failed in February this year. We cant go again we are broke. We paid bills 12 months ahead, the rates and gave the kids camping gear. I wish we had of gone on a holiday instead. Instead of forcing all of this heartache and shattered dreams. I tried to quit the foundation and have a break but nope when I arrived in dalby it rained and was flooding QLd and a lady drowned in our very home town so I went back home. Probably lucky I hadnt intended on coming home I hate this place with all the memories and no support from the kids.

I miss Hannah so much, my heart is just so shattered and I don’t think this is getting any easier. Time doesn’t heal it makes it worse and there are still somedays that i think o fending it all and being a suicide statistic. Its so hard to keep focused and positive some days its just so hard and our house is still not fixed and I still have nightmares and I now have chronic aquaphobia the longest ive gone without showering is nearly three weeks. I was with a face flannel but i don’t immerse myself and i cant face cold water at anytime its just too hard.
If only the laws had of been changed like they were supposed to be 8 years ago we would never have lost Hannah coz our pool would not have been built like this. I m just so very angry at life and in November I culled alot of people from my life who are negative, resentful and quite hurtful. I don’t cope with people saying really hurting and nasty things the hate mail we get is very hurtful and during the Inquest and the Findings I was constantly thinking of ending it all with so much frustration and internal torment from not doing it. I sat there one night with a knife just wanting to have the guts to gauge my arms and legs but I just sat there in a dead heap and cried for hours.

In the morning the family just thought I was tired and overwhelmed they had no idea what had just transpired through my head the night before and the fight to keep myself alive. I struggle with this daily. If only i could have my little girl back this pain would go away. Why cant I have ababy. Someone told me Im too bitter for IVF to work hence now that person is no longer a friend and ive culled more people too. Next week is Coroners Court Im dreading this so much.

Love and miss you Hannah bannanah
Love always Mummy
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