Stop the world I want to get off!

Hannahs 2nd Anniversary is under 12 days time. I cant believe she has been gone that long. yep we have achieved an enormous load for Drowning prevnetion in this country and state of QLD but its come at a personal cost, a cost that you cant even put a price on. My heart aches and nothing will ever heal it.

Im envious of all of those who have more babies, IM bitter that we too cant have more children and it all has to evolve from $$$. dollars we just no longer have. Why cant IVF be cheaper? what do we have to pay all that money upfront. there are no guarantees in life and IVF and death is no exception. I truly thought we had Hannah for our whole life, if we had of known she was here on borrowed time i would have taken more photos, given her every lolly she ever wanted, made her more clothes and played in the mud with her more. There are so many things I wish i had of done. I dont have one nice photo of the two of us or the whole family.

Two years has taken its toll on our family, my son longer talks to me, he cant cope being here at home the painful reminders of it all, its too much for me but im locked into a house that i have no escape from. The constant reminders of the previous owners their paint onthe walls, the horrid flower curtains all the same in every room, the floors unpolished and of course the damage to the lounge room and the curtains that no longer open. the house is depressing. I want peopel to come in and just gut the place and give it a new life. Why cant we too have a new life? so many others get second chances why cant we? Are we not good people?

The pain of losing hannah has costs it toll on family. Andrews family no longer communicate and tis been nearly two years, my family well thats just the same I guess they didnt know Hannah at all.

Harry is lost. He misses Hannah and he says the sweetest things but he hurts like all of us. Last week he was sitting with me onthe couch and told me of the day hannah died it broke me to peices and his words will never leave my mind unless I get dementia!

He said "hannah was in the window, the man took her in the ambulance and hannah went to heaven", he even mentioned the hospital and daddy and mummy crying, he remembers it like yesterday and when Hannah died he couldnt talk and I had no idea he could recollect everything. Harry knows the truth even if others still dont believe my story on how she died.

The last week has seen us fail IVF yet again, who knows what that our last time? I need to win lotto or the melbourne cup again! We have done so much in the line of Hannahs work Im exhausted and I feel very lonely within myself and its a battle to stay positive in this world of hurt. Ive often thought about what if they day i tried to kill myself where my family would be without me, some days i think the worst.

I dont want to reach the 2nd anniverary i hope the day doenst flop, i hope that people do turn up and listen to what we have done and the achievements we have achieved and most of all I wish to see Hannah, even just for split second. Some say we have it easy coz she has died, Id rather have her back the way she was.

I just pray for the day that our hearts heal. I hate the way our heart hurt! and both heal and hurt are four letter words but so is the word hell and thats what my life is a living hell. No one gets it unles sthey have buried their child and can no longer have the smells and sounds of a child no matter what the circumstances. I just wish i could hold Hannah again even for one just last time.I never got to say Goodbye to her where others can prepare for that day. I ache to see her and I ache to live life is jus tso very hard and peopel just dont get it.

I miss you so much Hannah I just want you back with me so we can be happy and not hurt. I wish life was so different.

Love
Mummy
xxxxxx