Heading towards Year number two.......

Its coming up to Hannahs second anniversary of her leaving us to the angel world. How pretty that world must be. I can seeh er in her purple wings, little halo and her grubby boots, she is a picture but she is Hannah, my daughter. I miss her so much it hurts and myheart aches with no ways or means to fix it. THe pain is so great that sometimes I cant breathe, my heart panics that i feel like its going to jump out of my chest and hit the floor and shatter in the pieces that it is in, than goodness for the ribs keeping it closed.

I am hurt today looking back at some of the people we have helped and befriended that have just taken from us. I feel really let down by alot of people and I feel hurt that they think charity is just for taking. THose that think charity is a right, its not, charity begins at home firstly. We have had people do things that are unimaginable, the charity they have taken and sucked the life out of is my time, energy and my feelings, its my fault that I gave to these people thnking that when I needed support that they would be there, how damn wrong i was, so those people no longer are friends. Charity is love, giving freely and unconditionally and I wouldnt be me if I didnt give it but sadly when you run a real money charity even then people just take, take, take. They are lucky to recieve it and should be thankful but sadly we only get abused for it and the gift of charity is not appreciated. I guess it says more about them then the charity. I had a lot to give once but now im thinking I shouldnt just give for the sake of it, people need to respect it before its given its not a right in anycase.

WEhave so much to do, hannahs grave still isnt finished and its hard to plan it and DO it becuase it creates the acceptance of finality. Will she forgive me for not doing it? I get to spend all day thisyear and i hope to build her a garden with some plants I just hpe we have themoney to do it and get the purple sandstone blocks cut and that no one steals them or damages it. Its a special place for us to sit and talk.

WE have so much to do before the National Day on October 3rd, we have launches to do, brochures to print up and do im hopeless at graphic art and I cant do it all. I ve also been told to take three weeks off for ivf. I have to do this becuase I want and need a baby so desperately. Harry keeps saying he wants a baby to huggle like Hannah. I hope he has memories of her he was only 17 months old at the time and i hope he has good pictures to remember in his head.

Today im struggling, im hurting, in pain with the house so much that its trashed, their is crap allover the floor, dust onthe skirting boards that i notice now and well i need to do it but i cant. i can still see hannahs handprints on the windows and i cant clean them, it looks so horribly dirty but people DONT understand that hannahs touch cant be wiped off just like that.

I wish people could understand this hurt and pain we all go through their is no sunshine today nor a purple rainbow only tears for my little shadow who is no longer here. I miss her so much and no one gets this road we now walk. I wish life was a bed full of flowers but sadly it isnt. I cant feel the life in the flowers, I cant smell them, nothing is right today.

This week its been 5 years since Pop died, four years since we lost William Harrys twin brother in pregnancy and stupidly I remember Elvis too, i was at school when I cried all the way that the King of Rock N Roll died, little did i know at that age of 8 tht he died from drugs, ihad no clue what drugs were in the 70s. Strange how we remember the silliest of things in life.

mummy misses you baby girl
Love always
Mummy in tears today
xxxxxxx