Today I am down. Down for many reasons. Watching our nearly two year old Harry say his sisters name for the first times this past week or so breaks my heart. Her angel wind chime is in the dining room archway and he tried to climb things to make the pink crystal ball move so it chimes. Today he watched the new bonds suit without buttons add and pointed and said "baby".
Hannah loved real babies, not dolls she disliked them they were for babies she said. Hannah wasnt a baby but she will always be my third baby girl. Her smiles shone above anything else and to walk into a room Hannah would always be the first to greet you, say Hello and offer you a drink and tell me to get it for you. Hannah was and always will be my perfect party host.
I am sad today. Our son is 18 on Friday and with that comes so many emotions. I worry that he will make choices in life that he will hurt for and regret, he misses Hannah and he does cry, because I hear him and his sisters talking. Hannah would have been the Perfect Party sister but we are not having a party now, he has chosen not to have one. I am upset because I never was able to have and I always wanted that key to life. What is the key to life? How do we use it? Whats it for? No key could have prepared me for the void I feel in my heart, the sorrow I feel when I look at Hannahs photos and see her smiling. Is heaven a happy place? is it happier than home? why our baby girl, I just dont understand why she was taken.
I am also angry today. People write on the internet for communication and to talk, I write because well I struggle to put my pen to paper and I long for my little girl. I want no other parent to feel our pain, share in our sorrow and tears for the missing of our child. We are not supposed to bury our children.
Tomorrow is going to be hard. We are going to Brisbane to pre-record an interview with Radio ABC. how will i go? Will I cry? Will people listening be able to understand me if I do and if I cant will my husband step in and help me along. Today I just felt alone. He didnt go to work and most of the day was spent in silence. I am not sleeping lately and spend the nights up late and nap when Harry is down during the day. I fear that I will not hear Harry wake up in the mornings so I keep myself awake for fear that he too will leave me. I am just anxious all the time. People have no idea what this is like. The days are really slow now, before, Hannah would make them travel so fast there wasnt enough time in our day to do everything. We were busy, now I am not. Hannah would always laugh, run and be funny. I miss that. We dont have much laughter anymore. What is laughter when you are in deep sorrow?
I miss Hannah and I long for her to be in my arms again, its so hard living these days alone and nothing can take my pain away ever. Until I see you again Little Monstee girl, know that Mummy misses you and I love you more than words can say or my tears cry. I cant wait to see the sunshine you radiate in heaven when I come to hug you when I leave this now sad place we live in.
Missing you Hannah.
Lots of Love Always
Huggles & Butterfly kisses
Mummy
xxxx
4 comments:
Kat, my heart breaks for you, for me, for Danielle, for Sheye. . . for every mom who has to bury their child. It's a cruel thing God calls moms to do. I lost my son James 22 months ago. . . he was 22 months old. Wow, I can hardly believe he's been gone for as long as we had him. My heart aches for you-for all of us really. I am here and care about your grieving process. You are not alone, you now have joined the worst club in the world to belong to, but once you are in it you are grateful for others who can identify with your pain. Hope you can find peace knowing a strange across the world cares. Much love and prayers.
There are people you don't even know, who care about you, Kat. Hold on. Let us find you.
You have found Sheye and Danielle, now find Jody:
http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/
With love,
Jane
Thank you both for posting on my blog. I feel alone but know I am not alone out there. My dreams are shattered and we have to live on for our other children its just so hard most days to even open up our eyes.
Kat
xxxxx
Kat, I am a friend of Michelle's, so I found you from your comment on her blog. I just want to say that I am so so so sorry. I can not imagine what it must be like for you. I have 4 little ones, and I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. Only know that Hannah is with you everyday. All the best to you and your family! Hang in there!!
xoxox
Jen
www.jenandjasper.blogspot.com
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