People who dont know what to say to us

I know how hard this for others I truly do. Hannah touched so many lives and I didnt realise her impact until we filled the hall at her service and all the messages that came from all around the world. The visits, phone calls and the contact has become significantly less over hte past months, Family dont talk to us much as htey have different ideals on how we should attend with our grief. The kids dont cope as much as they want but we are still all on the same page just different paragraphs.

Jordan and I are having meltdowns today and it was breakfast that set us both off. She is going to school but I told her if she wants to come home just to let her Principal know. Most days are well fucked, but we do have some days where they are a little less fucked.

I talk to alot of mums who have lost children. Their lives and ours now are in a different universe and when I look at other peoples lives and how back to normal they are its quite alienating when you are an outsider consumed by grief looking in. Andrew and I chain smocked literally for three months.

Here is a poem that was posted on a support group site I dont know where it came from but I have been sent this on email too. I hope it helps anyone who is struggling to speak to us.

Unless you've lost a child.......then Don't ask us if we are over it yet.
We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.

Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?

Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.

Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bare.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.

Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease,
just unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child.
It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or, why and lash out at those closest to us.

Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there we need to know others are thinking of us.

Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.

Do say you remember our child, if you do. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name.
It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.

Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.

Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do.
Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children. Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

I could writet a huge list on all the ridiculous comments people have said to us but i wont list the gut cutting ones, they live in a bubble of their own and well they are just not in our world anymore. A lot of people question our marriage which we find rather offensive. Why would our marriage be tested?? It wasnt being tested before Hannah passed away and Andrew and I never argue and love each other unconditionally, Why would Andrew blame me? He has never once blamed me, it could have been him alone with the kids that day instead it was me. I blame myself enough and mother guilt is killing me slowly. No the kids dont hate me either you mindless Twat, they are my children and we all love Hannah.

Hope this helps anyone struggling to talk to me. Yes Im angry, Yes Ive changed as a person, I have no tolerance for incompetance and I am less compassionate to the squabble things in life now but I guess if you take time to get to know the grieving us now without Hannah you may just come to like the change in us.