I spent two Mothers Day with you Hannah and both times Mummy was sick. First time was when I had my whole knee reconstructed and I was let out the day before to spend it in bed with you and pancakes only to throw the buggers up again and end up in rehab for pain killer addiction and an attempted suicide overdose ( the first of few to come).
The second one I had just had Harry and he wasnt feeding well so we were both in Hospital learning how to feed right. Should have just bottled fed the lot of you and spared me all that anguish, hatred of myself and torturing you kids to feed properly. I just wish.
Today no one did much, they all went their separate ways, I spent the day alone, dad went to work, Harry was here calling my name and I had the biggest headache and my eyes hurt, my heart hurts because if you were here I would have smiled. I cant smile with you not here, I struggle to smile, I cry more now and I feel horrible inside if I do smile.
You were the one who taught me to love but its gone so quickly and I doubt I will ever have that special love I felt when I had you in my arms. I feel so bad that I can say that bout one of my children but I can because she isnt here anymore and I long for her. I dont long for the other kids to be home soon, they only grumble at me, tell me Im morbidly sad and horrible to be around, they tell me IM not a nice person anymore and No one wants to spend time with me. your older sister hates itwhen i say Ive heard you in the house, it spooks her so next time you are in the hallway can you just put your foot out and trip her up a little and then you and mummy can both laugh together.
I feel like Im falling apart Hannah, Mummy longs for you. You have come to me in dreams of late and I thank you so much for them, i wake up crying but I know its because you have kissed me goodbye to go get some sleep.
I hope to see you tonight in my sleepy dreams baby Purple Princess, I just so long to hold you again and I am shattered that you never got to be a mummy. you would have been the bestest mummy in the whole big world and even much betterer than me.
I love you Purple Princess, I miss you so much, my heart just aches and aches.
Mummy
xxxxxx
2 comments:
My heart aches for you too, I am sure your little purple princess is watching over you and wishing you a happy mothers day.
love, Tabitha X
Oh Kat, your words just make me ache! All of them, the fact that you tortured yourself trying to breastfeed them all. I did with Cooper and when Kitty came I couldn't have given a dam what the high and mighty pro breastfeeders thought.It was too hard and made me a grump so she went straight on the bottle and it was all so easy then.
As for hearing Hannah in the house, very close family friends lost a son many years ago to a fautless car accident. His mother often talks about the times when she hears him in the house and really feels him there when things move unexplained etc. I'm so glad you can too.I hope it brings you something ,weather it be comfort or peace to know she's still here, just in a different way.
Thinking of you,
Em
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