This week Ive been trying to cope in the house, the house that killed our daughter, that was built by someone else, has all of his wifes lack or decoration skills and the colour palette of arse taste i have to get rid of it all. THe baby poo orange walls and trims, the horrid flower curtains all the same right through the house the lot has to go!
We are trying to refiance to get the fixing done, the hole in the wall, the pool boards gone and the rest of the illegal decking destroyed and then maybe I hope that one day I can look out the back and see something postitve in my back yard coz right now i cant.
Its depressing and horribly dark, I hate my house but I miss it when I leave it for even short periods of time. Its so tearing at my heart because I know Hannah loved this house.
Its just so hard some days, so maybe coming soon the pain will not be staring me in my face from wake up til go to bed time. I freaking hate my life now no matter what we smile at underneath that smile is a heart that torns into pieces and screaming in pain.
ITs nearly two years can you believe that? TWO YEARS. I just want to hide and be in denial it cant be that long.
Mummy misses her baby girl, i miss her smell, her intelligence and her smart arse conversations but most of all I miss her as a person, the one who loved me and shared my life and was my shadow.
Love Always
Mummmy
xxxxxx
2 comments:
Dearest Kat
You are such a special person, if I look at all that you are achieving with the Hannah Foundation and all the love and encouragement that you give to me, supporting me through my pain and loss while your own heart is still broken.
I pray for good things and unexpected miracles to come your way and that you will be able to make your house the home that you want.
Thank you for reading my blog even while it makes you cry, it must bring back so much sad memories for you as well, reliving your own nightmare while following mine. Your friendship means the world to me.
Love
Alison
Its so hard Alison with all the memories of Hannah being in the house and now all the pain of having the memories of who built the house, i just want THEIR touch gone from the house and make it ours. its so hard. SomedaysI just want to quit, give up and yell to the mountains to take me quickly. Its not fair but we have to fight to save other kids lives because our babies would want us too.
I try really hard, its not easy, I am not strong i struggle everyday and some days I struggle to stay alive. I walk this journey with you Ali and One day we will meet.
Love always
kat
xxxxxx
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